Local Man's Mundane Existence Sinks Ships, Craters Moons in Unprecedented Cosmic Disaster

2024-09-08 01:34:41 UTC

In a jaw-dropping, mind-bending turn of events that has left scientists scratching their heads and NASA officials scrambling to salvage the space program, a local man's routine Tuesday afternoon coffee run has been linked to a series of catastrophic cosmic incidents.

According to eyewitness accounts, John Q. Citizen, 36, casually sipped his latte and scrolled through his phone at the corner convenience store when a sudden burst of energy emanated from his being, causing nearby stars to collapse in on themselves and small asteroids to rain down upon the earth.

Experts are still piecing together the exact sequence of events that led to this cosmic catastrophe, but it is believed that Citizen's idle thoughts about work, family, and whether or not he should have gotten skim milk instead of whole milk somehow tapped into the universal force that holds the fabric of the universe together.

The disaster began innocently enough with a small explosion at the heart of the Milky Way galaxy. Within minutes, several planets had been obliterated, and asteroids were hurtling towards Earth at breakneck speeds.

Scientists are still debating the mechanics of how Citizen's thoughts could have such a profound effect on the cosmos, but one theory posits that his mundane existence somehow struck a chord with the universe's inherent boredom and sent it into a fit of rage.

In response to the crisis, NASA has declared a state of emergency and is rallying all available resources to repair the damage. A spokesperson for the space agency stated, 'We are doing everything in our power to restore order to the universe, but we must admit that this situation is far beyond anything we've ever encountered before.'

In a surprising twist, Citizen has been hailed as a hero by some for his ability to bring about such destruction. One online commenter wrote, 'Finally, someone with the guts to do something truly meaningful and impactful.'

Meanwhile, Citizen himself appears unperturbed by the chaos he has wrought. When reached for comment, he was seen scrolling through his phone and sipping his coffee.